the show must go on
by toolostforyou
Summary: How addison thinks that life hates her, but when she things things have changed, but it hasn't. addisonpetewarning: character death and spoilers for 108


**The show must go on**

_Empty spaces - what are we living for?  
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..  
On and on!  
Does anybody know what we are looking for?_

_Addison sat in her office, her pen tapping against the desk just staring into space. She thought that this was the life that she wanted; she thought that she could be happy. Sure, she was getting into the swing of things working here but she didn't have the love of a child or the romance that she was almost starting to crave. She still felt slightly scared still over her last date and her shoe. The shoe she loved the most, okay, so she loved all her shoes but that didn't matter. So the love wasn't their and now that the practice were doing the safe surrender thing, it was so much harder with the child thing. She had gotten so close to batgirl, she really needed to stop that, and it broke her heart to give her back. She knew that she would have adopted her but she needed to know not to grow so attached. God, she was such a hypercritic after what she done it izzie and now she was getting attached. She just had no idea if the job was enough for her since it didn't hold the answer to the things that she really craved._

_Letting out an annoyed moan as she placed her head down on the desk, she just wanted to get rid of the frustration. She felt like she had lost herself at some point and she's someone else. Or maybe it's too much sun since she's gotten used to the constant rain._

_Looking up when she heard the door open, she lifted her head when she noticed Naomi with cups of coffee in her hand. She knew that her best friend had warned her about Pete and right now, she wished that she had listened to her because she never got stood up. Addison Forbes Montgomery, board certified ob/gyn never got stood up. Well not by a stupid quack anyway, and didn't he warn her that he couldn't commit? Didn't that mean he didn't stand people up?_

"_I don't understand men." Addison muttered as she took the coffee from her friend and took a sip. She always thought that she could understand men; well she was sure she understood Derek for most of their relationship. _

"_who does?" she let out a small laugh at Naomi as she relaxed back in her chair, now tapping her pen against the palm of her hand. Things could be so much easier than this. But it was her fault; she screwed up her life when she slept with mark. _

_Another hero - another mindless crime.  
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.  
Hold the line!  
Does anybody want to take it anymore?  
The Show must go on!  
The Show must go on!_

_Life really felt like a joke, it felt like some staged act that was made to make her life a misery. After two failed IVF treatments, Addison knew that she was done. That was it and she was sure if she wasn't done she wouldn't do it again. Being told that the tests had come back negative made her crumple just a little bit. But what added to it was the waiting list for single females looking for children to adopt was long. She knew that she could be lucky for once in her life and someone picked her out. She had put down that she knew that she could be around the child almost all the time since most people at work offered to help her out._

_Except she didn't want to wait and even if her and Pete were slowly getting on the right track again it was hard. Knowing that she could give in a relationship and she would never give that person a child, especially once he had told her that when his wife died that they were trying for a baby. It had put her a step back on their relationship rather than him. _

_Walking towards his office, pushing a strand of hair out of her eyes, the same strand that had been annoying her for most of the day. Knocking gently on the door before pushing open the door, she smiled at him when he looked at her._

"_hey." she said as she walked over to the couch and sat down on it, noticing his eyes resting on her thighs when her dress rode up slightly. "I was thinking maybe we could go and grab a coffee or something?" she said, snapping him out of his gaze on her leg, knowing she would rather be looked at then anything else._

"_Yeah, or maybe we could get more." looking at him, to show that she wasn't happy she was about to reply when the cell on his desk started to vibrate and dance across the desk._

"_I take it that's another baby." she said, the disappointed look on her face slightly, everyone knew how she felt about everything that was going on._

"_Yeah, but you know you'll get your dream someday." looking at him as he flipped open the cell while grabbing his coat. Following him to his car, not bothering to pick up her jacket or anything. She didn't see the point right now._

_Inside my heart is breaking,  
my make-up may be flaking,  
But my smile, still, stays on!_

_Addison thought that safe surrender was meant to save babies yet when she and Pete turned up to where they had been told to meet. A back alley, not the best place to leave a baby when it was a few hours old. they had tried everything but when they found her wrapped up in something that looked like a burnt towel and no pulse Addison wished she never put her name up. After getting all the paperwork sorted out at the hospital she sat down on one of the chairs. Tears streaming down her cheeks, but she refused to break completely because she was never great with things like that. Her sobs would have sounded like laughs to everyone but people who had heard her cry before_

_What she didn't know was that Pete had heard that noise plenty of times. Sometimes at work he heard it come from her office when she thought she was alone. Or when he was round Sam's and he wanted to talk to her, he would go to knock on the door and he would hear them from outside. His hands ran through her red hair as he slowly rocked her back and forth until she feel asleep in his arms. Her body still twitching in her sleep from the tears._

_He ended up taking her home and letting her sleep in the main bedroom while he slept in the guest. Making sure in the morning she had a cup of hot chocolate and a mixture of fruit, what he heard she liked for breakfast. Just wanting to see a smile on her lip_s.

_My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,  
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,  
I can fly, my friends!_

_She felt like an angel, a special being that the magic was finally coming down to. After months of serious dating. Addison Montgomery was turning into Addison wilder, in a few hours her name would be changed. She would be a different person and she knew that this love was going to last. A long silky dress skimmed over her curves and a veil hanging down her back but not covering her face. It made her feel like if it did, she was hiding secrets and they didn't have any in his relationship or so she hoped so._

"_Mommy! Mommy!" she turned around from the mirror just as her daughter hugged her around the legs. Picking her up, she held her daughter close, they're outfits matching after Addison telling anyone that she didn't care if her daughter was wearing white. Katie wilder had just turned 18 months, and was Addison's last change of having a child. After a failed IVF treatment, some how on the second try, Pete had offered his sperm and it had been successful. It had been the thing that had brought them together. "I miss daddy." she explained to her mother, she knew that Katie had grown up with both her parents around her and she had thrown a tantrum when she found out that her father wouldn't be spending one night with her. _

"_I know but you're going to see him in a few minutes." she said when she saw Naomi out of the corner of her eye telling her that it was time to go. This was the life that she had dreamed off and she was finally getting that fairy tale, her happily ever after and she knew that Pete was the right guy for her. _

_Putting Katie down as soon as they got to the beach, the sand taking her feet in, the idea of shoes had gone yesterday after crying from Katie saying how it hurt her feet. Laughing as her daughter forgot about the flowers that she was meant to throw and ran up the aisle to her dad. her eyes met with Pete as she started to walk between the two rows of people, even if her ex's from Seattle were there watching her. _

_When she finally reached Pete, she noticed that he didn't look too good but decided not to mention anything in front of everyone. Just kissing him softly when he learnt in, not caring if they shouldn't be kissing until the end._

_Another heartache - another failed romance_

_when it they were getting closer to the 'I do's', Addison could see Pete's skin had started to get paler and she knew him well enough to know that he was holding back from coughing. She was starting to panic what was wrong and it only grew when his hands got colder in hers. Looking at Sam for help, but she couldn't get his eyes to look at her, she just looked back at Pete, her heart starting to break that something could be up. _

_Wincing when she heard Pete cough and liquid on her face, she started to hear people whispering and others scrambling from their seats. Opening her eyes, she looked down at her dress, dots of red blood on her dress. She felt frozen, this wasn't meant to happen. When her eyes snapped up to where her husband should be, she felt like she couldn't hear and everything was going in slow motion. She couldn't react right now because she felt like she was hated. The fairy tale wasn't going to happen and she knew it. Looking down at Sam, her eyes begging him to tell her that he was okay but when she held the helpless screams come from her daughter who was fighting against Derek. She picked up Katie and held her close to her body, when she heard Sam saying that he couldn't find a pulse. _

_Addison just sat down on the sand, holding Katie close to her body and just rocking her back and forth. She didn't want to see Pete like she could only guess was weak, she didn't want to remember him like that. Letting the sobs fall from her lips as she slowly started to crumble. Her fiancés name leaving her lips as if she was begging for them to find a pulse. _

_I'll face it with a grin!  
I'm never giving in!  
On with the show!  
I'll top the bill!  
I'll overkill!  
I have to find the will to carry on!  
On with the,  
on with the show!_

_The next month seemed to go past with a blink of an eye; she knew most people said that when the love of their life died, time stopped. it didn't seem to be like that, she knew that she had to carry on for her daughters sake but it hurt when she came along to Addison's room, her cheeks and eyes red asking for her daddy. She couldn't bring herself to throwing the dress out; she couldn't wash it so the red blood stains were still on the dress. Even if their was only a few of them, to Addison their was millions covering the dress. It was their to met her every single time she opened her wardrobe._

_Walking into the practice, Katie by her feet, one hand in her others and the other holding onto a teddy bear. A smile was plastered against Addison's face as if life couldn't get any better but inside she felt like all she wanted to do was break down. It felt like everyone knew about it since she seemed to have patients telling her that she was sorry and several cards and bunches of flowers at home and in the office._

_Seeing a weird look of Naomi over the smile, she looked her best friend in the eye before speaking. "the show has to go on right?" she pointed out before walking towards her office, her friend knowing what she was on about but knew that the mask had to leave at some point._


End file.
